Would I blame myself if I were a child now?

The gate of my primary school,
where I visited the first time after 30 years.

Last month I returned to my primary school, where I studied 30 years ago. After entering the gate, memories flooded my head. I saw my younger self playing sand with my friends. We climbed a small mango tree, chased each other up and down a staircase in front of our classroom, exchanged our favourite food, and the list goes on.

Flashbacks kept coming, including the downtimes. I was upset when my teachers gave me low marks and questioned myself for not being good enough. I was jealous of my friends having stuff I didn’t. I was physically hurt from disagreements with bigger classmates or fell from my attempts to prove to everyone I was the fastest runner or most talented climber.

My immediate reaction to those difficult times was to protect that boy, my child-self, from pain and suffering. I wanted to assure him everything would be alright. He did not need to worry or blame himself for anything. “Take it easy, boy; I would take care of you along the way,” I would tell him.

Now back to my current self, these questions arose: will I protect myself from suffering and pain? Will I be kind to myself when something goes wrong? Will I take joy in who I am when others do not see my value? Or will I, at least, wish myself to be happy and at peace.

I smiled and shouted, “YES, YES, YES,…”!

That was my practice of self-compassion in an eight-week compassion cultivation training designed by Stanford University. The idea of the exercise was to treat me with loving-kindness and compassion rather than self-criticism during tough times.

It is the same situation when you try to help your loved ones, your friends or even your child-self, who most of us admire. Do you blame or push them harder? Of course not! You are kind to them. Likewise, you deserve loving-kindness and support from yourself, if not others.

You can use this technique with your eyes closed, meditating or eyes opening in daily life. It could help you end hash narrations from your inner voice, which is mainly unkind to you. Repeat the following phrases whenever you are hard to yourself:

May I be happy;

May I be free from fear, pain and suffering;

May I find peace and joy;

May I be at ease with who I am.

[May I…(all the good/positive things)]

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ទិដ្ឋភាពនឹកស្មានមិនដល់!

ម៉ោង៥ទាបភ្លឺ មេឃនៅងងឹតនៅទ្បើយ។ ពូប៊ុនលី ភ្ញាក់ពីដំណេកនៅពេលនាទ្បិការោទ៍។ គាត់ប្រះខ្នងដេកទៅវិញ ដោយគាត់ដូចជានៅងងុយនៅទ្បើយ។ “ផាំង!” សំទ្បេងលាន់ឮខ្លាំងអមដោយពន្លឺចែងចាំងមួយប៉ប្រិចភ្នែក បានធ្វើឲ្យគាត់លោតចុះពីលើគ្រែ រួចរត់សំដៅបង្អួច។ “អូ! សំទ្បេងផ្គរ និងពន្លឺផ្លេកបន្ទោរទេតើ! ភ្លៀង!” គាត់ស្រែកហាក់ដូចជាភ្ញាក់ផ្អើល។ “តើខ្ញុំចេញទៅរត់ហាត់ប្រាណយ៉ាងម៉េចហ្នឹងកើតទៅ?” ពូប៊ុនលី កំពុងសម្រាកលំហែកាយនៅមាត់សមុទ្រ ហើយមានគម្រោងរត់ហាត់ប្រាណនៅតាមឆ្នេរនៅពេលព្រលឹមស្រាងៗ។ វាគឺជាសកម្មភាពដែលគាត់ចូលចិត្តបំផុត ហើយមិនអាចខកខានបាន។ “អញ្ចឹងមានន័យថាខ្ញុំមិនអាចរត់បាន?” គាត់សួរខ្លួនឯង។ “ចុះបើខ្ញុំរត់ ខ្ញុំពិតជាទទឹកខ្លួនជោក ហើយទូរស័ព្ទក៏អាចខូច ព្រោះខ្ញុំតែងស្តាប់ចម្រៀងពេលរត់។ ស្រួលមិនស្រួលអាចរន្ទះបាញ់ទៀតក៏មិនដឹង!” គាត់ដើរទៅដើរមករអ៊ូតែម្នាក់ឯង។ ពីរបីនាទីក្រោយមក គាត់ទំនងជាមានដំណោះស្រោយ។ គាត់ពាក់អាវភ្លៀងដែលគ្របពីក្បាលរហូតដល់ជង្គង់។ គាត់ដូរស្បែកជើងកីទ្បាជាទីស្រទ្បាញ់របស់គាត់ ទៅពាក់ស្បែកជើងផ្ទាត់ ដែលអាចដោះចោលនៅឆ្នេរខ្សាច់ ហើយរត់ជើងទទេ។ គាត់ក៏កំណត់ទូរស័ព្ទដាក់ “Fly Mode” ដើម្បីកុំឲ្យមានសេវា ដែលអាចស្រូបរន្ទះ ហើយគាត់ក៏...

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